Powered By Blogger

Search This Blog

Thursday, December 1, 2011

From a guest blogger - Auntie Mauman.



Mormons are forced to pray with their arms folded and to dress a specific way.
 By Auntie Mauman


I am an ex-Mormon and after thirty years of whipping children to make them pray with their eyes closed, their heads bowed, and their arms folded tightly I have decided to give it up.  Of course, I miss it.  After all, the money was good and the hours were short.  This is how my ministry worked.

Every month I was given a list by the Bishop of children that were not conforming to the “Mormon Prayer Standard,” and directed to remedy the recalcitrant using ‘any means required’ to bring these wicked children into submission. 

There is a special ‘Conformation Area” under every baptismal font in Mormon Church Buildings.  The door is accessed by a secret combination lock, called a Gadianton.  Only the Conformer – me! - has the key although the Bishop can get in for inspection using the special Kishkumen Rubber pass key, which by passes the secret combination, provided he is up to date with his tithing payments.  Some have said that the Gadianton had been banned, but this is wrong.  They are thinking of a Band called “The Gadiantons” that used to play in Mesoamerica in the old days before the coming of the railroad. 

The Area des Confomrationen has a row of small chairs similar to those use in Primary meetings, except they are connected to mains electricity and are programmed to provide non-lethal electrocution to children that will not close their eyes or bow their heads, or any combination of these two.  There is a small toilet area to one side for use after electrocution, because it has been found that electrocuting small children, although it closes their eyes, also opens their bladders alarmingly. 

Every child that is sent to the Conformation Area for re-education  has the approval of both parents, so the legal aspect is covered.  No Mormon Dad or Mom wants children that peek during grace or family prayers.  The open-eyed child steals more food than can be consumed by the standard Mormon family of Ten children that keep shut-eyed through blessings, prayers, and graces, even when all twelve at the table are famished. 

Not ‘bowing-the-head’ in the prescribed attitude after the manner prescribed in 1 Kings 18:7, that all Mormons know by heart, is a venal sin, for which the old punishment used to be whipping after the manner of Southern Baptists.  However, alhtough Mormonism io strict they don’t like to see children bleeding just because they have not been taught how to pray properly.

This bowing of the head, any Mormon will tell you, is the proper way to pray according to the Bible.  That’s the trouble with Mormons, they will follow the Bible whether you want them to or not.  They quote the Bible with stunning regularity until anyone that even only half believes the Bible is bound to admit they get it right most of the time.  For example, this is what the Bible says about bowing the head when worshipping God.

Nehemiah 8:6 Ezra praised the LORD, the great God; And they bowed their heads and worshiped the LORD with their faces to the ground. ...

Exodus 4:31 and the people believed; and when they heard that the LORD had visited the people of Israel and that he had seen their affliction, they bowed their heads and worshiped ...

2 Chronicles 29:30 King Hezekiah and his officials sang praises with gladness and bowed their heads and worshiped.

1 Chronicles 29:20 Then David said to the whole assembly, “Bless the LORD your God.” And all the assembly blessed the LORD, the God of their fathers, and bowed their heads

Exodus 12:27 then tell them, 'It is the Passover sacrifice when Jehovah  struck the Egyptians but spared our houses.’” And the people bowed their heads and worshiped. ...

2 Chronicles 29:29 When the offerings were finished, the king and all who were present with him gave worship with bent heads. ...

The Bible doesn’t say whether, when they bowed their heads, they kept their eyes open and gawped and gawked all over the place like Charismatics that can’t keep their minds on what they are doing because they are too busy trying to make up some sentence as in unknown tongues without saying shalalalalalalalalom, and similar Hebrew – which is not an unknown tongue - sounds, but you can bet your bottom dollar that these Israelites didn’t, because they didn’t want to be distracted when worshipping God with praise and prayer.  Israelites knew it was a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God, and didn’t want to take risks.  Of course, if your faith is as weak as witches water then it won’t matter to you and you can get your jollies by carping and criticising those that take their worship and prayer more seriously than you do. 

Of course, as you would expect, because of the more muscular construction of the arms, getting rebellious children to fold them during prayer worship can be more difficult.  Arms that are folded can’t get into mischief.  Folded arms can’t be use to reach out and pull the plaits of little Sarah, and folded arms cannot be employed to pull Tommy’s ear, or nip Jordan’s nose, and so disrupt what should be a sacred time when minds, hearts, and ears are tuned to one giving an invocation to deity to bless the gathering with the Holy Spirit and peace, love, and all those other godly attributes that make prayer time special for believers and believers-in-training. 

Atheists and their close relatives, the Scorners, hold nothing sacred except their own wallets and comfort, so they will turn the sacred time of others into game time.  Psychologists have proved that small minds are easily satisfied with smaller matters, and spoiling what is sacred to others is just par-for-the-course for Scorners, especially those that are hyper-hypocritical and religiose, because they are comatose to fine, respectable, religious, spiritual feelings enjoyed by the blessed that pray respectfully with all their hearts, might, mind, and strength. 

Spiritual midgets and religious weaklings just like to have find and don’t really believe in God at all.  They just use God as a hammer with which to beat up those that are truly spiritual and in tune with the Most Holy God.  That’s their loss, but it explains why Mormons want their children to conform to true patterns of worship, and no one with a mind more expansive that a corn flake can complain that it is asking too much to show respect and reverence for Almighty God and his Christ.  Of course, that don’t stop the small –minded from trying it on.  But then, those that won’t fold their arms are likely to find the Devil using their hands for his own work, because it is well know that Satan finds work for idle hands that are not engaged in serving God in the beauty of Holiness.

To overcome Satan’s massive power over the arms of three-year old children, I invented a a machine called “Insistence on Un-Unfolded arms Device [IUD] that is strapped to a child’s arms, permanently, when they are thirty months old to prepare them for Primary Sunbeam, class when they are three.  The device had arms that are fastened into the bones of the upper and lower arms by stainless steel screws and are telescopic so they grow with the child as the child develops and eventually enters adulthood. 


Mormon children are forced to pray at Home on bended knees, at their bedside evening and morning, and during family prayers with all present.  They are taught that it is an act of willing submission to Almighty God, but they are not taught what every wild-eyed, slain-in-the-spirit, Saturday night prayer-warrior howling Banshee knows, that kneeling before God is humiliating, and that those praying should stand or remain seated while another prays at the pulpit. 

Those stupid Mormons – again! – insist on following the Bible even when they know they shouldn’t!  Alright, we know it says something about it in the Bible, but we know that the Bible says a lot of things that we are not expected to follow unless we are religious fanatics!  Look at these:

"And Jesus was withdrawn from them about a stone's cast, and kneeled down, and prayed" (Luke 22:41).

"Peter put them all forth, and kneeled down, and prayed; and turning him to the body said, Tabitha, arise. And she opened her eyes: and when she saw Peter, she sat up" (Acts 9:40).

"They stoned Stephen, calling upon God, and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep" (Acts 7:59, 60).

"When he had thus spoken, he kneeled down, and prayed with them all" (Acts 20:36).

"When we had accomplished those days, we departed and went our way; and they all brought us on our way, with wives and children, till we were out of the city: and we kneeled down on the shore, and prayed" (Acts 21:5).

All that kneeling might be okay in those long gone days, but the world changes and God doesn’t want worshippers to kneel before him to present their petitions.  He’d just as soon those praying stand up in case their arthritis troubles them.  God doesn’t want to embarrassment of hundreds and thousands of knobbly-kneed, hobbling arthritics that get down, pray, and then can’t get up again!  As has been said from the bench: “If it doesn’t make sense then it’s not true.” [Judge Judith Sheindlin].







1 comment:

  1. LOL. Many a true word is spoken in jest. Shades of Erasmus Desiderata are at work here. thank you Auntie Mauman for your contribution to the vexed problem of Scorners.

    Please come again!

    The Yorkshire Traveller

    ReplyDelete

Comments must be civil, free from obscenities, and no flaming etc. Robust opinions are welcomed but the tone must be civil or else they will be consigned to the oven.

Keep it clean and remember, ladies, Gentlemen, and Children have access to these pages.

Ronnie Bray retains the right to amend unsuitable language by cutting it out and/or replacing it with decent language that expresses the comment's intention but with decent language.

If you are unable to control your language and temper, then feel free to direct it as 'priority' to 'glennbeckshow@fox..com'